I woke up today at five o'clock because I couldn't sleep. I was restless. Malcolm and I got into a little tiff last night and I totally blew up. I feel awful about it. I was totally out of line. But, truthfully, I don't think I've been in line for a long time. Malcolm and I don't always fight, that not what I'm talking about. I'm officially never going to grow up!
Last night I kept saying "when are you ever going to grow up" and the karma just came full swing, it only took about 8 hours..I HAVEN'T GROW UP YET!! I don't always throw tissy's and I'm not always hitting the other nice boys. I just haven't grow up yet. I woke up today and realized I'm fighting this adult thing tooth and nail. I'm stuck, I'm still 17. I have a baby, a husband, a mortgage, I'm starting a business, and still I'm not an adult. I'm flying the other direction as fast as I can.
I work at a day care. I love it, and totally I think I'm weird. I play with the kids, and I have so much fun. I'm actually the favorite of all the child care providers and most of the kids now me by name and come to me when they are sad. I've always had a harder time talking to adults. Real adults, you know like teachers, sometimes other parents, leaders--and it's because in my head I'm still a little child. Now, I know I'm melodramatic. But seriously!! Today is the day that I finally realized, I need to grow up.
How do you grow up. All of my friends, my close friends are grown up. They just did, gradually I guess. What if you missed that bus. What if I missed the classes? Am I supposed to just decide to be an adult, have adult conversations, do adult things? All of the sudden?
These are difficult questions. And this proves my maturity level. As I'm sitting here blogging because I have no one to talk to about this at five in the morning..I'm assessing how sucky it is to be an adult. You don't get to have fun. You have to spend your life doing stuff for others--cooking cleaning, child rearing. Not that those are bad, but WHAT ABOUT ME! I want to pursue my dreams, I want to do what I want to do. Ok, I've proven it. I'm a child. I don't want to be a child, I don't want to be an adult. I have a dilemma.
I need to grow up. I need to grow up. I need to grow up. Life isn't make believe, but I wish it was. Honestly I don't know what to do. I know that I'm 21, going on 22 and really honestly it's becoming pathetic and I hate it myself, but this process of shedding the child and becoming you-know-what just isn't coming easy for me. I know I need to do it, and I want to do it. But, the question is how to fly home from your never never land, when everything you've ever known is holding you back.
Life shouldn't be this hard. Life should manage it's self. ( here I go again with my childhood issues) I don't want to grow up. I don't want to give in to that beast...I just want to be, ME. Who is me, I guess I don't know. I guess me will just have to fight this inner struggle on my own, because seriously, anyone who reads this will probably think I'm crazy. And heck..I totally agree.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
My Nevernever land is never more
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Laura.. I am totally feeling ya! Especially in the summer time! I wish I could go back to the days when I didn't have to work and I slept in everyday.. I traveled all summer and had a blast.. I wish I didn't have to pay bills.. and cook dinner.. seriously.. this adult thing really sucks! But.. on the other hand.. your free to do what you want when you want... how you want.. and frankly... that's good too! I do feel your pain.. and I think i'm probably still in the pre-adult stage.. is there such thing? it's complicated.. maybe with a little more time and experience.. I'll be a TRUE adult... and feel ok about it!!
I had someone say to me once: nobody really knows what they are doing, adults are just people walking around thinking they know what to do and how to do it. But no one really knows. I just had my 22 birthday and I told Jeff I still feel 18! :) I think it's normal. Even my sister in law who is about to turn 30 still feels like a teenager. Growing up to be an adult does mean you have to sacrifice more, but I think it's all worth it. You still need time to be yourself and have the self fulfilment though. I know I am happiest when I am being productive in addition to being a mom and a wife. You will feel more comfortable as you start to realize the need to "grow up", and as you learn what that means and what things you need to do now. I am sure you have just been hard on yourself and you feel better now, just know that you are NORMAL!:) Hope you have a good day Laura!
Post a Comment